Looking Back on 2018

This has been an incredibly interesting year, to say the least. I think I've documented the many "highs" of my debut year as a novelist fairly well. Even my Post-Publication Blues was not, ultimately, a "low"; it became the climax of my year of feeling weird, where almost every day was a semi-out-of-body experience as I encountered so many new things and "firsts" on my way to becoming a published author. And after the blues went away and the proverbial dust settled, I finally felt fully present in my life again, and acclimated to the new reality of being a professional author—and it felt great. Where a year earlier I was horrified by the very thought of "author appearances," by November I was enjoying them. Where, during the summer, I felt slightly panicked about being a more "public" person, by autumn I was comfortable and in my groove.

I still—and will always—call BABY TEETH my "miracle" and nothing can change that. I had a wonderful book launch, and thrilling months of building buzz before that. When I envisioned becoming a published author (which was a murky vision at best) I never dreamt that my first published book would receive such recognition, from the trades or fans, or that it would spread like it has in the public sphere, reaching readers in distant lands.

Me and my BFF Lisa at the book launch of BABY TEETH

So, without a doubt, BABY TEETH has been the highest of highs. When it first sold, and again when the buzz started building, I recognized that this was something special; what happened with BABY TEETH is not an everyday occurrence. Its trajectory has been so beyond my imagination that I told myself in those early days, "If you never publish another book, or accomplish any other goals, you'll always have BABY TEETH." I continue to be grateful and incredibly appreciative of the people who have found my book, and especially the readers who have reached out or interact with me on social media. It kind of makes a recluse feel a little less alone.

Those who know me well know that I'm a big believer in the yin-yang of life—as it manifests in all things. There is always a balance of the good and bad, the light and dark. There has been a difficult parallel reality going on since January 2018, but due to its unresolved nature it isn't something I can share publicly (though of course my friends and those close to me know). It has helped to have BABY TEETH as a solid source of "light," and I accept that life is never effortless or without its challenges. Perhaps sometime in the future I can elaborate on this more. In the meanwhile…

One of the more challenging, but ultimately helpful, lessons I learned this year has to do with the intersection of dreams and commerce. I think for many of us who are writers—or artists of any kind—we spend many, many years creating alone. There is a freedom in that, endless exploration and experimentation, yet we dream in those lonely hours of sharing our work with the world. When our fortunes change and that opportunity arises, the truth is most of us (me, certainly) have given little thought as to the logistics of having a dream become reality, of what happens when our private creativity meets Big Business.

There are aspects of this intersection that can be difficult, and may vary a bit from writer to writer: working on a deadline; working to meet expectations (of agent, publisher, readers); building a "brand." As those who have published before me know, when the dream becomes business, it isn't simply you in your pajamas anymore. And it can be tricky when you are the one creating the product, but other people seem to have more control over its destiny than you do.

While this is a big change for me, I'm not regretting it. Some of the new sources of conflict in my life have arisen because my work has the potential to make money for other people, and that changes the rules. But I'm glad some of my work has the potential to make money, because lord knows I've written a ton of things over the years, bad and good, that never quite captured anyone's interest. That any of my "weird shit" ever found an audience is something of a miracle, especially as I've always known I was a bit of an oddball. Some people may have wished over the years that I could be more commercial, or at least more practical, in my overall sensibilities. But I can only be who I am, and I know that the way you get a square peg to fit in a round hole is to whittle it down so it's smaller than the hole… Who wants that?

I've been a creative person for a long time and I have an identity of myself—my creativity, my standards, my integrity. I don't know how to be any other way (or any other shape), but I accept as reality that when my "peg fits" it's a confluence of two unlikely things: my weird self, intersecting with a world driven by commerce.

I'm not sure what 2019 holds, but I'm curious to find out. I remember so clearly after BABY TEETH sold and I wondered if I could ever sell anything again: it was Hanna who sold that book. Even if I do write a sequel someday, the seven-year-old psychopath's story is finished. I am emphatically not finished as a writer… but will what I write ever again enjoy the intersection of commerce? Dunno. I have a lot of projects under way, but I know that lightning doesn't always strike twice. There's the elusive Second Book (also horror), plus I've written the first draft of an adventure thriller, and a fairy tale novella, and we're hoping to find a publisher for the children's story within BABY TEETH, My UnderSlumberBumble-Beast.

My dream of becoming a published author was accomplished, so I'm setting my sights on a new dream. Publishing a second book. A third book. The longevity of a career. I have learned never to assume, and the yin-yang of life means that oppositional forces will coexist—but hopefully with a harmonious balance. I certainly desire to share more of my work with the world, now that I've had a little taste of that experience.