Flashback on Book Expo 2018

I've been seeing a ton of posts across social media about Book Expo, and it's triggering flashbacks. You see, Book Expo 2018 was my first appearance as a professional author—six weeks ahead of the publication of BABY TEETH—and apparently it was traumatic enough (or at least dramatic enough) to trigger a hotbed of memories. Before my Book Expo day was even finished I declared it "One of the most stressful days of my life!" (Though I also voiced the hopeful possibility that in the future, "Maybe other author events will seem easy by comparison.")

I was not expecting these memories to come back in such full force, but…

I was a wreck by the time I got to New York City, having spent nine hours on a train after having not traveled much in many years. Though I've spent a fair amount of time in New York City and volunteered to walk from Penn Station to my hotel (instead of the car service my publicist first arranged for me), I was rattled and disoriented and made wrong turn after wrong turn. What should have been a ten-minute walk became thirty, and when I arrived at the hotel it seemed more like a nightclub than a place to sleep.

I was hungry and should have ordered room service, but I wasn’t used to hotels and even making a simple phone call seemed too difficult in that moment. I ate the remaining snacks I'd brought for the train and watched cable TV (which I don't have at home). I was exhausted but couldn't sleep, and my over-the-counter sleep aid didn't help. I needed a Xanax, but had forgotten to pack any. For twenty years I've slept with the background white noise of a turbo-loud fan that mutes neighbor and street noise. Without my fan at the hotel, I heard everything: the elevator, the city sounds, the rumbling beat of music from an outdoor bar beneath my window. But finally, I got to sleep.

Me and the gang... and the potato

On the morning of my Book Expo event I woke up with plenty of time to order a room service breakfast, since I hadn't had a proper meal in more than twenty-four hours. But I was too nervous to really eat. My publicist had arranged for a car to take me to Javits—and I learned to never turn down car service again (it's the best)! I walked into the building knowing I'd soon meet up with my friend Paula, but even before she spotted me my publicist waved and ran over. As I greeted Katie and hugged Paula I finally had a moment of normality, and realized I would've had a much better night had I spent it on the couch in Paula's studio apartment. I needed a familiar face. Soon after meeting my publicist for the first time I met my agent, and then various members of my marketing team who had come to cheer me on… and evaluate my public speaking skills. (No pressure.) 

My panel turned out to be scheduled for an hour later than we'd thought, which immediately made me panic: I was afraid my meager breakfast wouldn't be enough to hold off that wobbly kind of hunger (which I'm susceptible to). In the weeks prior to Book Expo I'd been working with my doctor for solutions to fatigue and brain fog, as for months I'd been afraid that my brain wouldn't work when I most needed it to—and here I was tired, hungry, nervous, and stressed to a degree I'd never felt before.

"What am I doing?"

Finally it was time to go "backstage" and meet the folks I'd be talking with. And then I was on the stage, sitting on a tall director's chair holding a microphone, a little bottle of water, and a potato with pencils for legs (an UnderSlumberBumble-Beast made by my marketing team). The panel got started and the questions seemed different in real life than what we'd talked about over email. (I've done two panels in the last four weeks and have discovered that this seems to be a recurring trait with panels; maybe it's just what happens when multiple people converge to speak on a list of topics.) The other two writers—Hank Phillippi Ryan and Peter Blauner—were infinitely more experienced than I was, and they made the whole thing look easy.

"Did I say something funny?"

My sense of it was: it went okay. Looking back, it still seems hard to believe that I managed the travel, the hotel, the craziness of Book Expo and Javits Center, and then spoke into a microphone while having a stress- and hunger-induced out of body experience.

Later I did my first book signing (yay!) and it felt like I signed a hundred books in thirty minutes. And an hour after that I had a video interview with the lovely people at Audible. I was feeling a little more like myself by then, a little more "in my body" and had gotten more comfortable around all the new people who were suddenly such an important part of my day. Then Paula and I went back to my hotel to rest for a bit before meeting my agent and editor for supper. So, my long day wasn't over yet.

Signing books (legit fun!)

I made a note to myself: Do everything differently next time!

Seriously, take the plane instead of a train: it might make for a slightly more stressful travel experience, but it will be over quicker. And if Paula's game, stay with her instead of at the fancy hotel with the king-size bed: there's nothing like a friend to recalibrate my equilibrium. And resist what may seem like "professional necessity" and don't plan a late supper after what has already been an overwhelming day: I came back from supper with a migraine, as a result of stress and exhaustion.

Hanna's UnderSlumberBumbleBeast checks
out the Flatiron Building

At the time, I did the best I could, and everyone else seemed to think my day at Book Expo went well. (Afterward, I stayed in New York to hang out with Paula for a couple days, and we had more fun with that potato than should have been possible.) Just as I'd predicted, all of my author appearances since then have been easier by comparison. That one year on it still brings up such visceral memories for me is a testament to just how stressful it was. But I endured. Just as I endured many new and difficult things during my first year as a professional novelist. Come mid-July, BABY TEETH will have been out in the world for a full year, but in many ways June 1 is the true anniversary—the one-year mark of ME out in the world. 

So one year on, have I changed, especially "ME, out in the world"?

I'd say yes—a lot! (Though I still sometimes marvel that I survived Book Expo as my first author event.) In certain areas I've made great strides: in a Q&A format, I've actually come to enjoy making author appearances (though I have yet to tackle speaking on my own, in a presentation format). And I recently needed to travel again and I adhered to everything I'd learned from last year: I took a plane, traveled with a friend, loved ordering room service at every opportunity, and didn't over-schedule my days. Yup, I've learned stuff.

My life as a published author is still a work-in-progress, to be sure, and it seems like there's an endless amount of lessons to learn. This is not a career where after publishing one book you hit rewind, and play, and then run through a repeat of everything you did before. Nope, each book is different, and I'm still encountering—and conquering!—many new experiences. My goal now is to find a better balance between "book life" and "my" life. For a couple of years now my mental and physical energy has been entirely about writing, books, publishing… It's on my mind almost continuously (almost obsessively). I anticipate that continuing for another year or more, until I feel more confident that this is a sustainable career. But at some point I'll need more separation between "book life" and "my" life to maintain a healthy mind & soul.

What is "progress" if not learning new things—good and bad—about yourself, in the world? It's exciting to be aware of progress, even (or especially?) when there's a sense of an incomplete Big Picture. This "open-ended" aspect holds the possibility of limitless growth—hopefully in the direction of getting better at both writing and publishing (and being)—and that's a great place to be after an adolescence and adulthood stymied by illness. In moments like this, I'm reminded of the miracle that has been this midlife career change. And hopefully, having survived Book Expo '18, I'm better prepared for whatever comes next.