I've been seeing a ton
of posts across social media about Book Expo, and it's triggering flashbacks. You
see, Book Expo 2018 was my first appearance as a professional author—six weeks ahead
of the publication of BABY TEETH—and apparently it was traumatic enough (or at
least dramatic enough) to trigger a hotbed of memories. Before my Book Expo day
was even finished I declared it "One of the most stressful days of my life!"
(Though I also voiced the hopeful possibility that in the future, "Maybe
other author events will seem easy by comparison.")
I was not expecting
these memories to come back in such full force, but…
I was a wreck by the
time I got to New York City, having spent nine hours on a train after having
not traveled much in many years. Though I've spent a fair amount of time in New
York City and volunteered to walk from Penn Station to my hotel (instead of the
car service my publicist first arranged for me), I was rattled and disoriented and
made wrong turn after wrong turn. What should have been a ten-minute walk
became thirty, and when I arrived at the hotel it seemed more like a nightclub
than a place to sleep.
I was hungry and should
have ordered room service, but I wasn’t used to hotels and even making a simple
phone call seemed too difficult in that moment. I ate the remaining snacks I'd
brought for the train and watched cable TV (which I don't have at home). I was
exhausted but couldn't sleep, and my over-the-counter sleep aid didn't help. I
needed a Xanax, but had forgotten to pack any. For twenty years I've slept with
the background white noise of a turbo-loud fan that mutes neighbor and street
noise. Without my fan at the hotel, I heard everything: the elevator, the city sounds,
the rumbling beat of music from an outdoor bar beneath my window. But finally,
I got to sleep.
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| Me and the gang... and the potato |
On the morning of my
Book Expo event I woke up with plenty of time to order a room service
breakfast, since I hadn't had a proper meal in more than twenty-four hours. But
I was too nervous to really eat. My publicist had arranged for a car to take me
to Javits—and I learned to never turn down car service again (it's the best)! I
walked into the building knowing I'd soon meet up with my friend Paula, but
even before she spotted me my publicist waved and ran over. As I greeted Katie
and hugged Paula I finally had a moment of normality, and realized I would've
had a much better night had I spent it on the couch in Paula's studio
apartment. I needed a familiar face. Soon after meeting my publicist for the
first time I met my agent, and then various members of my marketing team who
had come to cheer me on… and evaluate my public speaking skills. (No pressure.)
My panel turned out to
be scheduled for an hour later than we'd thought, which immediately made me
panic: I was afraid my meager breakfast wouldn't be enough to hold off that
wobbly kind of hunger (which I'm susceptible to). In the weeks prior to Book
Expo I'd been working with my doctor for solutions to fatigue and brain fog, as
for months I'd been afraid that my brain wouldn't work when I most needed it
to—and here I was tired, hungry, nervous, and stressed to a degree I'd never
felt before.
 |
| "What am I doing?" |
Finally it was time to
go "backstage" and meet the folks I'd be talking with. And then I was
on the stage, sitting on a tall director's chair holding a microphone, a little
bottle of water, and a potato with pencils for legs (an UnderSlumberBumble-Beast
made by my marketing team). The panel got started and the questions seemed
different in real life than what we'd talked about over email. (I've done two
panels in the last four weeks and have discovered that this seems to be a
recurring trait with panels; maybe it's just what happens when multiple people
converge to speak on a list of topics.) The other two writers—Hank Phillippi
Ryan and Peter Blauner—were infinitely more experienced than I was, and they
made the whole thing look easy.
 |
| "Did I say something funny?" |
My sense of it was: it
went okay. Looking back, it still
seems hard to believe that I managed the travel, the hotel, the craziness of
Book Expo and Javits Center, and then spoke into a microphone while having a
stress- and hunger-induced out of body experience.
Later I did my first
book signing (yay!) and it felt like I signed a hundred books in thirty
minutes. And an hour after that I had a video interview with the lovely people
at Audible. I was feeling a little more like myself by then, a little more
"in my body" and had gotten more comfortable around all the new
people who were suddenly such an important part of my day. Then Paula and I
went back to my hotel to rest for a bit before meeting my agent and editor for
supper. So, my long day wasn't over yet.
 |
| Signing books (legit fun!) |
I made a note to myself:
Do everything differently next time!
Seriously,
take the plane instead of a train:
it might make for a slightly more stressful travel experience, but it will be
over quicker. And if Paula's game, stay
with her instead of at the fancy hotel with the king-size bed: there's
nothing like a friend to recalibrate my equilibrium. And resist what may seem like "professional necessity" and
don't plan a late supper after what has already been an overwhelming day: I
came back from supper with a migraine, as a result of stress and exhaustion.
 |
| Hanna's UnderSlumberBumbleBeast checks out the Flatiron Building |
At the time, I did the
best I could, and everyone else seemed to think my day at Book Expo went well. (Afterward,
I stayed in New York to hang out with Paula for a couple days, and we had more
fun with that potato than should have been possible.) Just as I'd predicted,
all of my author appearances since then have
been easier by comparison. That one year on it still brings up such visceral
memories for me is a testament to just how
stressful it was. But I endured. Just as I endured many new and difficult
things during my first year as a professional novelist. Come mid-July, BABY
TEETH will have been out in the world for a full year, but in many ways June 1
is the true anniversary—the one-year mark of ME out in the world.
So one year on, have I
changed, especially "ME, out in the world"?
I'd say yes—a lot! (Though
I still sometimes marvel that I survived Book Expo as my first author event.) In
certain areas I've made great strides: in a Q&A format, I've actually come
to enjoy making author appearances (though I have yet to tackle speaking on my
own, in a presentation format). And I recently needed to travel again and I
adhered to everything I'd learned from last year: I took a plane, traveled with
a friend, loved ordering room service at every opportunity, and didn't over-schedule my days. Yup, I've learned stuff.
My life as a published
author is still a work-in-progress, to be sure, and it seems like there's an
endless amount of lessons to learn. This is not a career where after publishing
one book you hit rewind, and play, and then run through a repeat of everything
you did before. Nope, each book is different, and I'm still encountering—and
conquering!—many new experiences. My goal now is to find a better balance
between "book life" and "my" life. For a couple of years now
my mental and physical energy has been entirely about writing, books,
publishing… It's on my mind almost continuously (almost obsessively). I
anticipate that continuing for another year or more, until I feel more confident
that this is a sustainable career. But at some point I'll need more separation between
"book life" and "my" life to maintain a healthy mind &
soul.
What is
"progress" if not learning new things—good and bad—about yourself, in the world? It's exciting to be aware of progress, even (or
especially?) when there's a sense of an incomplete Big Picture. This
"open-ended" aspect holds the possibility of limitless
growth—hopefully in the direction of getting better at both writing and
publishing (and being)—and that's a
great place to be after an adolescence and adulthood stymied by illness. In moments like
this, I'm reminded of the miracle that has been this midlife career change. And
hopefully, having survived Book Expo '18, I'm better prepared for whatever
comes next.
